“The big day.” Every bride gets one, and she is constantly reminded it’s all hers. But instead of setting apart one day to celebrate a happy new relationship, major industries have collided to make sure the bride-to-be knows she must resort to any and all measures to “vow to wow” on her big day. So while her day is big, she must commit to “shedding for the wedding” to be as small as possible. I was married three weeks ago, and as a PhD candidate studying all these unreal ideals I was up against, I chose to do my “big day” Beauty Redefined style to maximize my happiness and minimize my body angst. So, from a personal perspective and a research-driven lens, let’s talk about what shedding for the wedding means for women everywhere.
Before the year 2000, there were very few pushes to get women to lose weight before their weddings. Advertisers and industry execs hadn’t conceived of this new “flaw” yet. In fact, Cornell researchers found only one weight loss ad in all the 1990s wedding magazines they could get their hands on! Photoshopping didn’t become an industry standard until the late 90s, so women featured in magazines and ads weren’t being digitally manipulated out of reality quite yet. AND plastic surgery didn’t shoot through the roof until the 21st century, when rates of cosmetic surgeries performed in the U.S. increased 446 percent to reach $12 billion in 2010, with 92 percent performed on women. Simultaneously, the weight loss industry is flourishing unlike ever before, with $61 billion spent pushing the quest for thinness at all costs in 2010 – more than twice as much as in 1992.
So it isn’t surprising that a full 70 percent of nearly 300 engaged women said they wanted to lose weight – usually 20 pounds – a 2007 Cornell study found.* Where on earth would they get that idea?!
Since 2000, industries revolving around diet and weight loss, plastic surgery, weddings, and women’s media have placed a target on brides-to-be. In the last decade, we have seen the rise of popular TV shows, advertising campaigns, surgical procedures, and diet plans/pills that demand an unattainable “bridal beauty” that is harmful to health, happiness, relationships, and female progress in every way that really matters.
These days, master cleanses (pedaled by the likes of Demi Moore and Gwyneth Paltrow in order to fit into their red carpet dresses or go naked on set) are popular among engaged women. “Bridalplasty,” “Shedding for the Wedding,” “Bridal Bootcamp,” (and other hopefully canceled shows) teach women that in order to show your face on your big day, you must fight against other women on your quest for necessary cosmetic procedures, extreme weight loss, and endure public shaming.
In the last decade, researchers have seen a major escalation in anorexic behavior among brides-to-be, and have labeled it “brideorexia.” Plus, 10 percent of women who start extreme pre-wedding diet and exercise programs will develop a lasting disorder, according to Dr. Sacker, eating disorder specialist and professor at NYU Medical Center.
When I got engaged in October, I knew what I was up against. I talked to Lindsay about my goals for making my engagement and wedding as “Beauty Redefined” as possible. I wanted to be happy, I didn’t want to buy into all the lies these industries were demanding I fall for, and I wanted to keep the focus on celebrating my relationship with the awesome man I found that loved me – not just a vision of me, but ALL of me. And so I made a plan. A plan of attack using the strategies for rejecting harmful ideals for which Beauty Redefined is known and I got to work “shedding for the wedding” – NOT shedding weight, but shedding all those lies I’d heard from the time I was a teenager in the late 90s about what I had to look like to be happy on my wedding day.
I truly grew up believing I had to look a very particular way in order to be happy, to be successful, to be loved, to qualify to be married at all. But something very powerful has been confirmed to me in the last few weeks. All those messages I grew up surrounded by are LIES. And while I hoped they were lies, I can now prove it. Because I do not fit the ideals media tells me I’m supposed to fit to be happy, successful, loved, and married. And guess what? I’m happy! And I’m (trying my hardest to be) successful! And I’m loved! And I’m MARRIED! It’s crazy, and it’s true.
And whether you are married or single, planning a wedding or not, these strategies apply to all of us. They worked for me, they work in scholarly research, and they will help you understand your worth in a world that so often confuses you about who you are just to make a few dollars.
One of our new, true sticky notes!
Resist Pinterest and back away from those bridal magazines: Choose a time period to steer clear of as much media as you can. That way, you can see how your life is different without all those messages and images, and when you return to media, you will be more sensitive to the messages that hurt you and those that are unrealistic. To prepare for my wedding, I chose to never pick up a bridal magazine, read a bridal blog, go to Pinterest wedding pages, etc. This made it much easier for me to not hold myself or my wedding to the standard of others, but plan it the way I wanted it. I was able to steer clear of all wedding advertising, Photoshopped wedding dress models, and idealized images of “bridal beauty.” I believe this was the most important goal I accomplished. I ordered two dresses online – one from a vintage boutique and one new dress I’m wearing in my pictures that was sure to fit me. Both were fantastic, and I got to steer clear of bridal salons completely!
Forget your arbitrary wedding weight goals: Make a goal to stop or limit the number of times you weigh or measure yourself. When we fixate on arbitrary numbers, that often gets in the way of our health. Start judging your health through your activity level by setting a fitness goal instead of a meaningless number, and you’ll get somewhere great! I did not weigh or measure myself throughout my engagement and set a goal to maintain my fitness routine at the gym as I had been doing previously, but not work to lose any weight to change my appearance for the wedding. My fiancé fell in love with me the way I am, and I didn’t want to buy into the lies that told me I had to “vow to wow” on my wedding day by losing weight. And who knew?! He and I are happier than ever and I didn’t change a thing.
In true Beauty Redefined style, Lexie made sure none of her pictures were Photoshopped (duh!)
Stop that negative mental script: Too many girls and women have a constant script of mean thoughts about themselves running through their minds — whether they’re comparing themselves to Photoshopped brides on Pinterest or not. Recent studies show us that girls who don’t like their bodies become more sedentary over time and pay less attention to having a healthy diet. If you think you’re gross and worthless, why would you take care of yourself? Set a goal to stop saying negative things about yourself. Start with a day, a week, a month, whatever you can do, and make it a permanent practice! While I had previously been working on this goal, I decided to take it up a notch and cut out all negative talk entirely – even when trying on wedding dresses or viewing my engagement or wedding photos.
Think nice thoughts instead: On the flipside of the last study, research has found that girls who respect their bodies are more likely to be physically active and eat healthy. They are less likely to gain unnecessary weight and they make healthy lifestyle choices way into the future.** Since what we THINK about our bodies has a strong connection to how we TREAT our bodies, set a goal to shut out negative thoughts as they come and replace them with positive truths! I replaced any negative thoughts that crept into my mind with something positive about my abilities and found major improvements in the negative script that would run through my mind when I was feeling self-conscious.
Put your wedding budget where your mouth is: Make a goal to only shop at stores that treat females respectfully in their advertising and products. Speaking up with your pocketbook is one of the most powerful ways you can show retailers what you will and will not put up with. For my bridal showers and bachelorette party, I made sure my friends knew I didn’t want to support Victoria’s Secret because I didn’t approve of their marketing. Everyone respected my wishes and VS was not among my gifts! I didn’t feel like I compromised my beliefs for my wedding and my friends got to hear why I am a hater of VS and all other marketing like it.
Lexie was married Dec. 29!
I grew up believing I probably wouldn’t find love because I didn’t look like someone that was capable of being loved. No one in my life EVER told me that, but media messages yelled it at me every day. And yet somehow I met a man that is everything I want in a companion, I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. We were married in a small ceremony with our closest loved ones around us, and I am so happy. I believe part of this new dimension of happiness is because I proved to myself that those messages that have been drilled into my head – that I must VOW TO WOW on my big day – are such major lies. I didn’t change my appearance in any way – I refused to go tanning, I didn’t highlight my hair, I didn’t lose any weight – all to prove a point. And my point was proved. My husband fell in love with ME – not a vision of me, but all of me. And my “big day” was a celebration of love that wasn’t even about ME; it was about us and our families. I woudn’t have done it any other way.
When we got engaged, my fiancé told me he wanted me to look like ME, so he didn’t want me to do anything different for our wedding day. He even liked my idea to keep my hair down, as I usually wore it. He has been so supportive and helped me shed these terrible lies, but as Beauty Redefined has stated many times before, no man can fix your body images issues for you. I am SO glad my husband loves me the way I am, but I have had to fight to love myself first. It isn’t anyone else’s job to convince you you are beautiful. A significant other can do a world of good to improve your health and body image, but they can’t do it all for you. You get to be the hero in your own body positivity fairy tale, but having a loving supporter (or several) is key.
Today, it’s time to take a stand against multi-billion dollar industries that are set up to tear us down. We can do that by using these strategies for girls and women and for boys and men and breaking through those lies that leave us anxious, unhappy, and fixated on “flaws” instead of everything more important in our lives. Next time I see a magazine or advertisement that lies to me about what it takes to be a “beautiful bride,” I’m slapping a sticky note on it for the world to see! I hope you’ll do the same – click here if you haven’t bought yours yet!
*Neighbors, L., & Sobal, J. (2007). Prevalence and magnitude of body weight and shape dissatisfaction among university students. Eating Behaviors, 9(4), 429-39.